Posts Tagged ‘lobbyists’

“Superstorm Sandy? I say ‘Super Lobbyist Profits!’”

Thursday, January 3rd, 2013

“Good afternoon, and welcome to the Lipsky Extreme Lobbying Seminar. And by ‘Extreme,’ I mean both our proven seminar methods and the profits you’ll be raking in after you get out of here.”

“Is that why we’re wearing the shock collars?”

“Got it in one! Immediate, painful correction is necessary for maximum learning in minimum time. You’ll learn more here in three hours than three years of law school. Now, on to the topic at hand: Emergency funding bills. Today’s example: the relief bill for Superstorm Sandy. Now, let me ask you bright boys and girls a question: What should go in an emergency relief bill. Mr. Smith?”

“Uh, emergency relief for victims of AGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”

“Sorry, Mr. Smith, but Mr. Shock Collar says you’re mistaken. Anyone else? Mr. Dewey?”

“Whatever a lobbyist client pays for?”

“Ding ding ding! Correct on all counts! Now, can someone give me an example of an ideal item to put in an emergency spending bill? Mr. Smith?”

“Uh, $5 million for emergency power generAGGHHHHHHHHHH!”

“Sadly, it appears that Mr. Smith is a slow learner. Ms. Cheathum?”

“$150 million for Alaskan fisheries?”

“Correct! Mr. Howe?”

“$188 million for Amtrack?”

“Excellent! Mr Smith?”

“$20 million for tearing down flood damaged AGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! Why does learning have to be so painful???”

“Pain is just stupidity leaving the body. Mr. Solitary?”

“$600 million for a global warming slush fund?”

“Brilliant! That’s thinking big! Mr. Smith, care to give it one last try?”

“$188 million for hurricane cleanAGGGHHHHHHHHHH I mean tunnels! Random tunnels!”

“I’m glad to see that my proven learning methods have finally gotten through to Mr. Smith. Class dismissed.”

When Democrats Refer to “Stakeholders,” They Mean Lobbyists, Not Taxpayers

Friday, February 4th, 2011

Terrified of the prospect of congressional Republicans that actually want to cut the budget, Senate Democrats have sent out an emergency distress call to lobbyists:

In an e-mail obtained by ABC News, a top staffer for the key Senate Appropriations subcommittee called for a meeting of lobbyists and interest groups that would be affected by expected cuts to the Labor and Heath and Human Services budget. The Jan. 24 meeting was attended by approximately 400 people, sources told ABC, and served as a “call to arms” for those determined to fight Republican budget cuts.

“One thing everyone should be able to agree on now is that a rising tide lifts all boats, and that a higher [Labor, Health & Human Services] allocation improves the chances for every stakeholder group to receive more funding,” the committee staffer for Sen. Tom Harkin, D-Iowa, wrote in an e-mail inviting people to the meeting.

So remember: When Democrats think about “stakeholders,” they mean the lobbyists that wallow up to the trough to feast on giant piles of taxpayer money. Actual taxpayers aren’t their concern…

(Hat tip: Ace of Spades)