Posts Tagged ‘Satire’

Top 10 Ashley Madison Pickup Lines

Wednesday, August 19th, 2015

It looks like hackers have dumped everything they stole from affair/scam/blackmail site Ashley Madison, which comes to a hefty 10 gigs of compressed data, including:

user names, first and last names, and hashed passwords for 33 million accounts, partial credit card data, street names, and phone numbers for huge numbers of users, records documenting 9.6 million transactions, and 36 million email addresses. While much of the data is sure to correspond to anonymous burner accounts, it’s a likely bet many of them belong to real people who visited the site for clandestine encounters. For what it’s worth, more than 15,000 of the e-mail addresses are hosted by US government and military servers using the .gov and .mil top-level domains.

The leak also includes PayPal accounts used by Ashley Madison executives, Windows domain credentials for employees, and a large number of proprietary internal documents. Also found: huge numbers of internal documents, memos, org charts, contracts, sales techniques, and more.

Maybe Ashley Madison should close up shop now and save itself the trouble of waiting until the lawsuits force them into bankruptcy.

In honor of their incredible incompetence, and the sleazy idiocy of their entire business model, here are the Top 10 Ashley Madison pickup lines recovered from the server:

  1. “Did you get those 27 dick pics I sent you?” —

  2. “Do you need money? I can create all I need out of thin air!” —
  3. “I’ve got this one weird trick that will totally rock your cooter!” —
  4. “Yeah, I’ve got to be willing to throw my body in the path of a bullet. My big, sweaty male body. Pretty hot, huh?” —
  5. “I’m into submission, saving the environment, and raising taxes.” —
  6. “I’m into submission, saving the environment, and raising taxes.” —
  7. “You can have sex with me, or I can have your entire family liquidated. Your choice.” —
  8. “Sure, Miss Wong, I’ll let you use my login!” —
  9. “Whip me like I’m an underperforming index fund!” —
  10. “Hill will never know. She’s off in Dubai picking up a crate of money.” —

Dave Barry’s Year End Roundup

Tuesday, December 30th, 2014

Dave Barry’s year-end roundup is out and, as usual, it’s well worth reading.


  • In a development that surprises film critics, Academy Awards voters, apparently hoping to woo a younger audience, award the Oscar for Best Picture to “Sharknado.”
  • On the domestic front, U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius, who oversaw the rollout of Obamacare, resigns from the Cabinet to take a position overseeing e-mail storage for the Internal Revenue Service.
  • In domestic news, the Department of Veterans Affairs is engulfed in scandal following revelations that some VA hospitals are just now getting around to treating veterans of the War of 1812.
  • In government news, the troubled Secret Service once again comes under withering criticism when an intruder is able to jump the White House fence, enter the White House through the front door, overpower a Secret Service agent, run through the Central Hall, enter the East Room, deliver a nationwide radio address and appoint four federal judges before being overpowered.
  • In politics, the big story is the looming midterm elections, which have President Obama crisscrossing the nation at a hectic pace in a last-ditch effort to find a Democratic candidate willing to appear in public with him.
  • In other political news, the debate over U.S. immigration policy intensifies when President Obama, in a move that infuriates Republicans, signs an executive order giving Texas back to Mexico.
  • Dave Barry’s Year-End Roundup for 2013

    Monday, December 30th, 2013

    It’s time once again for Dave Barry’s Year End Roundup. Some highlights:

    it turned out that Obamacare, despite all the massive brainpower behind it, had some “glitches,” in the same sense that the universe has some “atoms.”

    Did anything good happen in 2013? Yes! There was one shining ray of hope in the person of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford , who admitted that, while in office, he smoked crack cocaine, but noted, by way of explanation, that this happened “probably in one of my drunken stupors.” This was probably the most honest statement emitted by any elected official this year, and we can only hope that more of our leaders follow Mayor Ford’s lead in 2014. (We mean being honest, not smoking crack in a drunken stupor.) (Although really, how much worse would that be?)

    [January] begins with a crisis in Washington, a city that — despite having no industries and a workforce consisting almost entirely of former student council presidents — manages to produce 93 percent of the nation’s crises. This particular crisis is a “fiscal cliff” caused by the fact that for years the government has been spending spectacular quantities of money that it does not have, which has resulted in a mess that nobody could possibly have foreseen unless that person had a higher level of financial awareness than a cucumber. At the last minute, congressional leaders and the White House reach an agreement under which the government will be able to continue spending spectacular quantities of money that it does not have, thus temporarily averting the very real looming danger that somebody might have to make a decision.

    Also stepping down is Hillary Rodham Clinton, who, after decades of public service, resigns as secretary of state so she will finally have a chance to spend some personal quality time with her team of campaign advisers.

    As the federal budget deadline passes without Congress reaching agreement, the devastating, draconian, historically catastrophic sequester goes into effect, causing a mild reduction in the rate of increase in government spending that for some inexplicable reason goes unnoticed by pretty much everybody outside the federal government.

    Iran announces that it is constructing a new uranium enrichment plant, which according to a government spokesman will be used for “youth sports.”

    In sports, organizers of the Tour de France announce that this year they’re going to skip the bicycle-riding part and instead just gather all the competitors into a room and see who can do the most drugs.

    the Obama administration decides to once again pivot back to the economy, which continues to falter because — economists agree unanimously on this — not enough presidential speeches have been given about it.

    In politics, San Diego Mayor Bob “Bob” Filner resigns as a result of allegations that he is a compulsive serial horn dog who groped pretty much the entire female population of Southern California. He immediately becomes a leading contender in the New York City mayoral race.

    The federal government, in an unthinkable development that we cannot even think about, partially shuts down. The result is a catastrophe of near-sequester proportions. Within hours wolves are roaming the streets of major U.S. cities, and bacteria the size of mature salmon are openly cavorting in the nation’s water supply. In the Midwest, thousands of cows, no longer supervised by the Department of Agriculture, spontaneously explode. Yellowstone National Park — ALL of it — is stolen. In some areas gravity stops working altogether, forcing people to tie themselves to trees so they won’t float away. With the nation virtually defenseless, the Bermudan army invades the East Coast, within hours capturing Delaware and most of New Jersey.

    By day 17, the situation has become so dire that Congress, resorting to desperate measures, decides to actually do something. It passes, and the president signs, a law raising the debt ceiling, thereby ensuring that the federal government can continue spending spectacular quantities of money that it does not have until the next major totally unforeseeable government financial crisis, scheduled for February 2014.

    Things do not go nearly as smoothly with the rollout of Obamacare , which turns out to have a lot of problems despite being conceived of by super-smart people with extensive experience in the field of being former student council presidents. The federal Web site,, is riddled with glitches, resulting in people being unable to log in, people getting cut off, people being electrocuted by their keyboards, people having their sensitive financial information suddenly appear on millions of TV screens during episodes of “Duck Dynasty,” etc.

    Fortunately, as the initial rush of applicants tapers off, the system starts to work a little better, and by the end of the second week U.S. Secretary of Blame Kathleen Sebelius is able to announce that the program has amassed a total enrollment, nationwide, of nearly two people, one of whom later turns out to be imaginary. But this is not good enough for a visibly angry and frustrated and, of course, surprised President Obama, who promises to get the Web site fixed just as soon as somebody answers the Technical Support hotline, which has had the White House on hold for 73 hours.

    public dissatisfaction with Obamacare continues to grow as many Americans discover that their current insurance plans are being canceled. A frustrated and — it goes without saying — surprised President Obama reveals to the nation that “insurance is complicated to buy” and clarifies that when he said “if you like your plan, you can keep your plan,” he was using “you” in the sense of “not necessarily you personally.”

    I hardly need to tell you to read the whole thing, do I?

    Enter PajamaBoy

    Wednesday, December 18th, 2013

    If ObamaCare weren’t destroying the lives of millions, you could almost feel sorry for their colossal ineptitude at every aspect of ObamaCare.


    But the most recent of Obama’s risible “Sell ObamaCare to your relatives at holidays” gambits is far and away the most mockable:

    And thus #PajamaBoy was born. There are topics that just cry out for my special brand of sensitivity, and PajamaBoy is one of those topics:

    Eventually I started channeling #PajamaBoy himself:

    Others, of course, were right there in the trenches of derisive mockery with me:

    Satan Calls Press Conference To Disassociate Self From Texas Democratic Party

    Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013


    Austin, Texas: Today Satan, the Prince of Darkness and ruler of the infernal underworld, held a press conference on the Capitol steps to disassociate himself from the Texas Democratic Party.

    “Last night, a bunch of pro-abortion supporters at the state capitol chanted ‘Hail Satan’,” said the Prince of Lies. “And, you know, all well and good. Any publicity is good publicity.”

    “But I wanted to make one thing clear,” said the Angel of the Abyss. “In no way, shape or form am I, Hell, its many powers and principalities, or At His Satanic Majesty’s Request Industries Ltd., involved or associated with the Texas Democratic Party.”

    “Sure, there’s a lot to like about the Texas Democratic Party,” said the Great Deceiver. “I’m totally down with the baby killing, I’m big on bankrupting future generations through deficit spending, I love breeding despair though intergenerational welfare dependency, and how could I oppose being soft on crime?”

    “But, c’mon!” said the Son of the Morning Star. “I’m a man of wealth and taste! I’m hardly going to let myself be seen paling around with those pathetic clowns in the Texas Democratic Party!”

    “If I were running the show, don’t you think I’d be able to get at least one Democrat elected statewide since 1994?” asked the Vile Tempter. “They used to own this state, but now these boobs couldn’t find their ass with both hands! I don’t want to be associated with that sort of incompetence.”

    “If I’m going to come to Texas, I’m going to go to San Antonio to hang out with my heavy metal homies, because those dudes know how to party,” said The Great Serpent. “Plus I know a place that serves killer breakfast tacos.”

    When asked if he was associated with the national Democratic Party, the Devil said “Wow, look at the time! I’ve got to wrap this up, I’m late for a beheading in the Sudan. But before I go, I just want to tell the reporters here that we’re always hiring good PR people for Hell, and we pay a lot better rates than MSNBC.”

    Iowahawk Held Hostage: Day 175

    Monday, April 1st, 2013

    175 days after it started, there’s still no resolution to the Iowahawk hostage crises, with the web pundit still held in captivity by the leftwing Al-Bama Dignity Brigade terrorist group.

    “No more shall the infidel insult our prophet (peace be upon him) or make fun our sacred texts!”

    Al-Bama has held Iowahawk captive “somewhere in the greater Des Moines area” since October 9, 2012, when a daring midnight raid snatched him from his fortified garage compound. Since then nothing has been heard from the beloved pundit except occasional tweets and pictures of hot rods.

    The terrorist group has repeatedly threatened to kill the pundit, sending various media outlets severed piston rods from a 1931 Ford Model A to prove their seriousness.

    Police promises to find the pundit (“Yeah, we’ll get right on that,” said a spokesman who asked not to be identified or disturbed while the NCAA basketball tournament was on) have thus far been fruitless.

    Al-Bama’s initial demands were for the immediate imposition of comprehensive gun control, universal socialized medicine, $10 million in ransom, and the public flogging of radio personality Rush Limbaugh. When these demands were not met, Al-Bama gradually reduced them. Their most recent demands were for $325, a public apology from Bill O’Riley “for living,” and 12 cases of Olde Main beer.

    Those with information on Iowahawk’s current whereabouts are urged to contact the National Bloggers Club.

    Dave Barry’s 2012 Year End Roundup

    Tuesday, January 1st, 2013

    Just in case you hadn’t seen it before, here’s Dave Barry’s 2012 year-end roundup, to spread some light and cheer in a very dismal year.

    In Europe, the economic crisis continues to worsen as the government of Greece, desperate for revenue, is forced to lease the Parthenon to Hooters. Meanwhile Moody’s Investors Service officially downgrades the credit rating of Spain to “putrid” after an audit reveals that the national treasury consists entirely of Groupons.

    Abroad, a closely watched attempt by North Korea to test a long-range rocket capable of carrying a nuclear warhead ends in an embarrassing failure when, moments before the scheduled launch, the rocket is eaten by North Korean citizens.

    In finance, Moody’s downgrades Spain’s credit rating from “putrid” to “rancid” when the Spanish government, attempting to write a check, is unable to produce a valid photo ID. Meanwhile the Greek parliament, meeting in an emergency session on the worsening economic crisis, votes to give heroin a try.

    Voters in the French presidential election, rejecting the austerity program of incumbent Nicolas Sarkozy, choose, as their new leader, Charlie Sheen. In other European economic crisis news, Greece, seeing a way out of its financial woes, invests all of its remaining money in the initial public offering of Facebook stock, which immediately drops faster than Snooki’s underpants.

    New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, having dealt with all of the city’s other concerns – disaster preparation, for example – turns his attention to the lone remaining problem facing New Yorkers: soft drinks. For far too long, these uncontrolled beverages have roamed the city in vicious large-container packs, forcing innocent people to drink them and become obese. Mayor Bloomberg’s plan would prohibit the sale of soft drinks in containers larger than 16 ounces, thereby making it impossible to consume larger quantities, unless of course somebody bought two containers, but the mayor is confident that nobody except him would ever be smart enough to think of that.

    Tensions continue to rise in the Middle East when Iran unveils a new surface-to-surface ballistic missile named “Conqueror,” which, according to an Iranian spokesman, will be used for “agriculture.” Elsewhere in the troubled region, an unmanned Predator drone hacks Waziristan’s Twitter account and posts pictures of itself naked.

    In the European economic crisis, an increasingly desperate Greece offers to have sex with Germany.

    In labor news, Chicago teachers go on strike over controversial proposed contract changes that would allow the school board to terminate teachers who have passed away.

    I don’t even need to tell you to read the whole thing, do I?

    Barack Obama Stands Down Throughout History

    Saturday, October 27th, 2012

    “We few, we happy few, we band of brothers
    For he today that stands down with me
    on Crispian’s day shall be my brother”
    — King Obama V, October 24, 1415, the day before the English surrender at Agincourt

    “Come and take it. No, really, come and take this cannon off our hands. It’s just cluttering up the place. We’ll just stand down while you haul it away.”

    — Colonel John Henry Obama, commander of Texas forces at Gonzales, before handing over the town’s cannon to Francisco de Castaneda, October 2, 1835, ending the Texas Rebellion



    — Telegram exchange, April 12, 1861, a month before the United States government recognized the Confederate States of America.

    General George S. Patton, Commander, U.S. 3rd Army: Request permission to relieve 101st Airborne surrounded by Germans at Bastogne.

    General Dwight D. Obama, Supreme Commander, Allied Forces in Europe: Attack two German armored divisions? That’s just nuts! Stand down.

    — Field message exchange December 23, 1944, three weeks before the Roosevelt-Hitler Peace Treaty was signed

    Gen. Douglas MacArthur: Pusan perimeter now stable. Request permission to launch Inchon landing under Operation Chromite.

    President Harry Obama: There’s no way we can defeat so many red Chinese. Stand down, withdraw from Pusan, and evacuate all U.S. personnel from the Korean peninsula.

    — Message exchange, September 8, 1950

    Gen. William F. Garrison, Commander UNOSOM II: Two UH-60 Black Hawk helicopters have crashed in central Mogadishu following raid on Aidid compound. Request permission to send rescue force in to retrieve survivors.

    President William Jefferson Obama: Stand down. Our troops could never hope to survive such a hostile urban combat environment. We’ll just have to leave those men behind.

    — Message exchange, October 3, 1994, three days before the American withdrawal from Somalia

    Assault Weapons Vital Topic Among America’s 23 Million Unemployed

    Wednesday, October 17th, 2012

    Hempstead, N.Y.: All across the country, millions of unemployed Americans expressed relief and gratitude that Obama finally addressed their most important issue at last night’s Presidential debate: assault weapons.

    “I’m glad Obama is finally tackling assault weapons,” said Barbara Rheems, taking a brief pause from brushing her teeth in the 1998 Honda Civic that has been her home for the last three years. “I think that’s the greatest concern facing our country.”

    “Thank God Nina Gonzales had the courage to ask about assault weapons,” said Richard Smith, an unemployed construction worker, speaking from the cot in his mother’s basement. “I can’t think of a single more pressing issue.”

    “Assault weapons terrify me,” said mother Gladys Castle, who was busy preparing an “Obama soup” made from pilfered ketchup packets for her three hungry children. “I’m afraid that at any moment they might burst out of closets and gun safes and start shooting people.”

    “Well it’s about time someone dealt with America’s biggest challenge, which is reinstating the Clinton-era assault weapons ban,” said Tom Feller, who spoke to us from behind his homemade cardboard WILL WORK ANY JOB/HAVE CHILDREN TO FEED/GOD BLESS sign. “The fact is that Americans just don’t need a weapon that has any two of a folding stock, a pistol grip, a bayonet mount, or a flash suppressor, and it’s high time we moved to disarm ordinary Americans citizens who purchased such weapons in a completely lawful manner.”

    A CNN poll of America’s unemployed showed that assault weapons were far and away the most pressing issue this election, with 78% citing them as their biggest concern, while those who said that their top issue was forcing Catholics to pay for contraception were a distant second at 19%.

    IowaHawk Brings The Gospel of Barack

    Monday, July 23rd, 2012

    And Lo, Iowahawk did step forth from the heavens, and deliver unto us the Book of Barack.

    And it was good.