175 days after it started, there’s still no resolution to the Iowahawk hostage crises, with the web pundit still held in captivity by the leftwing Al-Bama Dignity Brigade terrorist group.
“No more shall the infidel insult our prophet (peace be upon him) or make fun our sacred texts!”
Al-Bama has held Iowahawk captive “somewhere in the greater Des Moines area” since October 9, 2012, when a daring midnight raid snatched him from his fortified garage compound. Since then nothing has been heard from the beloved pundit except occasional tweets and pictures of hot rods.
The terrorist group has repeatedly threatened to kill the pundit, sending various media outlets severed piston rods from a 1931 Ford Model A to prove their seriousness.
Police promises to find the pundit (“Yeah, we’ll get right on that,” said a spokesman who asked not to be identified or disturbed while the NCAA basketball tournament was on) have thus far been fruitless.
Al-Bama’s initial demands were for the immediate imposition of comprehensive gun control, universal socialized medicine, $10 million in ransom, and the public flogging of radio personality Rush Limbaugh. When these demands were not met, Al-Bama gradually reduced them. Their most recent demands were for $325, a public apology from Bill O’Riley “for living,” and 12 cases of Olde Main beer.
Those with information on Iowahawk’s current whereabouts are urged to contact the National Bloggers Club.