(Beijing, China) Today Google announced they were releasing a new application developed for China’s Ministry of State Security (MSS). Dubbed “Room 101,” the new software not only tracks the “social credit rating” of all citizens, but also records all attempts to break government laws, as well as all relevant information for enhancing state security interrogations of subversives.
“While completing Project Dragonfly, we became aware that there were other Chinese state security needs we could be filing,” said Google CEO Sundar Pichai. “That’s when we started work on Room 101.”
“Before, MSS officers had to rely on cumbersome file folders for surveillance of Chinese subjects scattered throughout regional offices. We’re bringing all that information to their fingertips!”
Among the information Room 101 tracks for every subject:
Their day-to-day commuting travels schedule, and where police might most easily pick them up
Attempts to evade the Great Firewall of China
Any subversive information found on their PCs or phones
Membership in Falun Gong or human rights organizations
Homosexual tendencies or activities
Forbidden religious affiliations (especially Christian, Muslim, or “unapproved” Buddhist sects)
Their greatest fears and phobias
Which subjects might be most susceptible to public shaming campaigns
Which of their relatives might be most effectively interrogated to elicit information from, or to force the subject’s compliance
Which body parts they are most in fear of losing.
There are also modules for leading modules for self-criticism sessions, pain tracking, and a variety of prefilled forms for subjects to confess their sins against the Communist Party.
Pichai indicated that an initial trial on Google’s own personnel showed great promise at tracking and eliminating wrongthink.
Pichai said he looked forward to rolling out modified versions of Room 101 to other countries.
“If you want to know the future, imagine Google tracking every thought of every person on earth, forever.”
Clicking on @Godfrey_Elfwick brings up the generic “Account Suspended” page. Supposedly “permanently,” though I don’t know where the poster is getting that information from:
Godfrey Elfwick, the best satirical account on Twitter, has now been suspended permanently.
Today Hollywood groups announced that they were unveiling an award dedicated to ridiculing President Donald Trump and all his supporters.
“Sure, there was a fair amount of ridicule of the Bloated Orange Buffoon and his deplorable voters at the Emmys this year,” said Screen Actor’s Guild spokesman Amy Schumer. “But it showed there’s a real thirst for Hollywood celebrities to reward withering contempt aimed at both Drumpf and his ignorant, uncouth supporters, as well as to parade and celebrate our moral superiority to them.”
The new award show, The First Annual Smarmies, underwritten by SAG and the Writers Guild of America West, will debut in late October with Chelsea Handler as the host. Categories include:
Best Anti-Trump Storyline in a TV Drama
Best Anti-Trump Skit
Best Anti-Trump Monologue
Best Anti-Trump Song
Best Anti-Trump Tweet
Best Essay By A Former Republican Lamenting The Rise Of Trump And Confessing Their Sins
Best Mock Trump Assassination
Best Skit Expressing The Nobel Nature of Hillary Clinton OMG We Love Her So Much
Best Storyline Illustrating Why Enforcing Immigration Laws Is Evil
Best Performance Ridiculing Christians For Their Crazy Beliefs
Best Performance Celebrating Muslims
Best Performance Ridiculing Guns, Hunting or NASCAR
Best Monologue Explaining To Ignorant Trump Supporters In The Heartland How Very Wrong They Are And How They Need To Mend Their Ways And Abandon Trump If They Want To Win Back Hollywood’s Respect
Lena Dunham, Keith Olbermann, Kathy Griffin and Cher are among the announced celebrities who will be presenting awards.
“We want to make sure the award ceremony is broadcast in prime time,” said Schumer “especially in states like Iowa, Wisconsin and Michigan, so we can let those inbred redneck freaks of JesusLand feel the naked contempt their intellectual betters hold them in.
“That was the problem in 2016: We just didn’t let middle America feel our disdain for them enough. This time we’re going to fix that. Once middle America finally realizes how much Hollywood celebrities hate them, I’m sure they’ll stop voting for the candidates we oppose!”
It’s been a week, so enjoy an extra-late Friday LinkSwarm
There’s lots of meat in President Trump’s tax reform proposal:
Individual Reform
Tax relief for American families, especially middle-income families:
Reducing the 7 tax brackets to 3 tax brackets of to%, 25% and 35%
Doubling the standard deduction
Providing tax relief for families with child and dependent care expenses
Simplification:
Eliminate targeted tax breaks that mainly benefit the wealthiest taxpayers
Protect the home ownership and charitable gift tax deductions
Repeal the Alternative Minimum Tax
Repeal the death tax
Repeal the 3.8% Obamacare tax that hits small businesses and investment income
Business Reform
15% business tax rate
Territorial tax system to level the playing field for American companies
One-time tax on trillions of dollars held overseas
Eliminate tax breaks for special interests
Texas House passes anti-Santuary City bill that fines officials for violating federal immigration laws.
North Korean ballistic missile test fails. Cue the sad trombone.
Obama’s Iran deal was even worse than we thought. “By dropping charges against major arms targets, the administration infuriated Justice Department officials — and undermined its own counterproliferation task forces.”
The highest-profile Democratic-party supporters are increasingly smug Hollywood actors, rich Wall Street and Silicon Valley elitists, and embittered members of the media, along with careerist identity groups and assorted protest movements — a fossilized 1972 echo chamber.
Democrats’ politically correct messaging derides opponents as deplorable racists, sexists, bigots, xenophobes, homophobes, Islamophobes, and nativists. That shrill invective only further turns off Middle America. Being merely anti-Trump is no more a successful Democratic agenda than being anti-Nixon was in 1972.
Dishonest medical equipment startup Theranos used a shell company to secretly buy outside lab equipment to actually run the lab tests they were faking as coming from their own equipment. And check out that picture caption: “[CEO] Elizabeth Holmes speaks at the Clinton Global Initiative Annual Meeting.” Because of course she did.
Liberals love denouncing the imaginary Christian theocracy of The Handmaid’s Tale (now a miniseries) because it keeps them from having to think about the real Islamic ones oppressing women all over the world right at this very moment.
Psychiatric facilities across the United States are at breaking point after the number of people claiming to be sent from the future to stop Donald Trump reached epidemic proportions.
New research has shown that every ten minutes someone claiming to the from the future sent back to save humanity is admitted to a hospital somewhere in the US.
It looks like hackers have dumped everything they stole from affair/scam/blackmail site Ashley Madison, which comes to a hefty 10 gigs of compressed data, including:
user names, first and last names, and hashed passwords for 33 million accounts, partial credit card data, street names, and phone numbers for huge numbers of users, records documenting 9.6 million transactions, and 36 million email addresses. While much of the data is sure to correspond to anonymous burner accounts, it’s a likely bet many of them belong to real people who visited the site for clandestine encounters. For what it’s worth, more than 15,000 of the e-mail addresses are hosted by US government and military servers using the .gov and .mil top-level domains.
The leak also includes PayPal accounts used by Ashley Madison executives, Windows domain credentials for employees, and a large number of proprietary internal documents. Also found: huge numbers of internal documents, memos, org charts, contracts, sales techniques, and more.
Maybe Ashley Madison should close up shop now and save itself the trouble of waiting until the lawsuits force them into bankruptcy.
In honor of their incredible incompetence, and the sleazy idiocy of their entire business model, here are the Top 10 Ashley Madison pickup lines recovered from the server:
“Did you get those 27 dick pics I sent you?” — CarlosDanger@Hotmail.com
“Do you need money? I can create all I need out of thin air!” — qe@federalreserve.gov
“I’ve got this one weird trick that will totally rock your cooter!” — RagingStud@buzzfeed.com
“Yeah, I’ve got to be willing to throw my body in the path of a bullet. My big, sweaty male body. Pretty hot, huh?” — ProtectAndSex@secretservice.gov
“I’m into submission, saving the environment, and raising taxes.” — Loverboy@dnc.org
“I’m into submission, saving the environment, and raising taxes.” — TotallyIndependent@mediamatters.org
“You can have sex with me, or I can have your entire family liquidated. Your choice.” — SuperDuperStudMiffinVlad@kremlin.ru
“Sure, Miss Wong, I’ll let you use my login!” — SecuritySupervisor@opm.gov.
“Whip me like I’m an underperforming index fund!” — pumpanddump@goldmansachs.com
“Hill will never know. She’s off in Dubai picking up a crate of money.” — SexySaxophone@clintonfoundation.org
In a development that surprises film critics, Academy Awards voters, apparently hoping to woo a younger audience, award the Oscar for Best Picture to “Sharknado.”
On the domestic front, U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius, who oversaw the rollout of Obamacare, resigns from the Cabinet to take a position overseeing e-mail storage for the Internal Revenue Service.
In domestic news, the Department of Veterans Affairs is engulfed in scandal following revelations that some VA hospitals are just now getting around to treating veterans of the War of 1812.
In government news, the troubled Secret Service once again comes under withering criticism when an intruder is able to jump the White House fence, enter the White House through the front door, overpower a Secret Service agent, run through the Central Hall, enter the East Room, deliver a nationwide radio address and appoint four federal judges before being overpowered.
In politics, the big story is the looming midterm elections, which have President Obama crisscrossing the nation at a hectic pace in a last-ditch effort to find a Democratic candidate willing to appear in public with him.
In other political news, the debate over U.S. immigration policy intensifies when President Obama, in a move that infuriates Republicans, signs an executive order giving Texas back to Mexico.
