The day after the clown car update is bad for deep insights, so instead let me set this strawman blazing.
The Olive Garden is offering a lifetime endless pasta bowl pass for $500. (Or rather, they’re offering 50 of these, so it’s a gimmick for free publicity…
…rather than a real offer. But let’s pretend it’s a real offer.)
Some Twitter users suggested that this is a great lifetime hedge against starvation.
Even if it weren’t just a gimmick, this would be a bad prepping strategy:
A lifetime eating pass sounds like the sort of last-gasp attempt of a dying restaurant chain to stay solvent. They might not stay around long enough for you to get your $500 worth.
The price includes breadsticks and salads, but not beverages or tips, which increases your costs. Sure, you can get away with water and no tip for a while, but pretty soon it’s going to be “Oh God, here comes LardButt McCheapSkate again!” and the waitresses start saving the day-old pasta in the fridge just for you.
In a true it-hits-the-fan apocalypse, do you really think a midprice family chain is what you want to bet on for survival? How do you get past the zombies? Do you suppose the corporate resupply trucks are going to make it past the roving apocalyptic biker gangs outfitted in vaguely 1980s cyberpunk cliche gear? Likewise, do you think your lifetime all-you-can-eat card will really do you any good in the post-money barter wasteland? You’ll be lucky if they don’t size you up to serve as the next day’s Long Pig Special.
You can get 6 pounds of Angel Hair Pasta for just under $6 at Sam’s. That’s 500 pounds of pasta for what you’d pay for the Olive Garden Platinum Club. (Of course, for a real hits-the-fan scenario, you’ll need a solar oven, as shown here.) And beans and rice provide even cheaper bulk staple hedges against starvation.
Finally, you have to face the dreaded fact: It’s the Olive Garden. It’s a perfectly acceptable place to eat, especially if you’re going out with old people who can’t eat spicy food, but you can certainly do better.
If prepping is out, is there anyone who would actually benefit from this deal? I can think of a few cases:
You’re just a horrific glutton with low standards.
You want to commit passive-aggressive suicide by clogged arteries.
You’re one of those annoying people who can eat like a horse and never gain an ounce.
You’re a full-time university student, there’s an Olive Garden within walking distance, and $500 is less than two semesters of the dorm meal plan.
You’re a regular marathon/triathlon competitor, and you do lots of carb loading every week.
That’s pretty much it.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this episode of Burning Strawman Theater! Tune in next week when we discuss why radioactive mutants won’t take your Bitcoin.
Tags: Olive Garden, prepper
This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 13th, 2019 at 6:49 AM and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
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Thankfully, there’s not anything on the Olive Garden menu that my wife’s health or allergies permit her to eat.