“Good afternoon, and welcome to the Lipsky Extreme Lobbying Seminar. And by ‘Extreme,’ I mean both our proven seminar methods and the profits you’ll be raking in after you get out of here.”
“Is that why we’re wearing the shock collars?”
“Got it in one! Immediate, painful correction is necessary for maximum learning in minimum time. You’ll learn more here in three hours than three years of law school. Now, on to the topic at hand: Emergency funding bills. Today’s example: the relief bill for Superstorm Sandy. Now, let me ask you bright boys and girls a question: What should go in an emergency relief bill. Mr. Smith?”
“Uh, emergency relief for victims of AGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
“Sorry, Mr. Smith, but Mr. Shock Collar says you’re mistaken. Anyone else? Mr. Dewey?”
“Whatever a lobbyist client pays for?”
“Ding ding ding! Correct on all counts! Now, can someone give me an example of an ideal item to put in an emergency spending bill? Mr. Smith?”
“Uh, $5 million for emergency power generAGGHHHHHHHHHH!”
“Sadly, it appears that Mr. Smith is a slow learner. Ms. Cheathum?”
“$150 million for Alaskan fisheries?”
“Correct! Mr. Howe?”
“$188 million for Amtrack?”
“Excellent! Mr Smith?”
“$20 million for tearing down flood damaged AGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! Why does learning have to be so painful???”
“Pain is just stupidity leaving the body. Mr. Solitary?”
“$600 million for a global warming slush fund?”
“Brilliant! That’s thinking big! Mr. Smith, care to give it one last try?”
“$188 million for hurricane cleanAGGGHHHHHHHHHH I mean tunnels! Random tunnels!”
“I’m glad to see that my proven learning methods have finally gotten through to Mr. Smith. Class dismissed.”
