I hadn’t intended to do another Microsoft story today, but I couldn’t find anything else I felt like writing about, and this story is too funny. I don’t think anyone had Bill Gates, sex machine on their 2026 bingo card. Or any other year’s bingo card.
Bill Gates was accused of having more than 20 extramarital affairs in the fallout from his divorce from ex-wife Melinda, the billionaire told Gates Foundation staffers during a sullen town meeting earlier this year, according to a new report.
Twenty. The mind boggles.
While Gates, 70, owned up to having two affairs with Russian women referenced in the Epstein files during the February gathering, the Microsoft co-founder left employees stunned when he revealed that allegations related to more than 20 affairs had come up during the 2021 divorce proceedings, sources told the Wall Street Journal.
“Affairs” in the sense that “someone paid these women to have sex with me.” That’s certainly cheating on your wife, but not really an “affair.” And Gates only admitted to that because he was named in federal documentation. If not for that, he’d no doubt still be claiming that he was as faithful as Windows is buggy*.
While little is known about the affair allegations, Gates admitted to having sex with Russian bridge player Mila Antonova and a former employee at his nuclear power company, TerraPower.
I wouldn’t think there would be much money in competitive bridge, and indeed the annoying Google AI answer informs us “In competitive bridge, you generally cannot make a living by winning tournament prize money, as most top-tier events do not offer cash payouts. Instead, top professionals earn money by being hired to play with and coach wealthy patrons.” Well, Gates certainly qualifies as “wealthy.” I think this arrangement should be classified as “Patron With Benefits.”
Gates met Antonova in 2010 at a tournament, while the Russian met Epstein seeking financial backers for a bridge academy. Epstein later paid for Antonova to attend software coding school.
“Learn to code” is presumably less insulting than “Learn to feign enthusiasm for doing the nasty with schlubby sexagenarian billionaires.”**
The other woman, who has not been publicly identified, was referred to by Gates as a “Russian nuclear physicist” who he met “through business activities” and worked for two years at TerraPower, according to the Journal.
Concerned employees were reportedly told that the woman actually worked for their parent company, which only left the staffers confused.
Employees were confused because her org chart entry didn’t read “Boss’s Sidepiece.” And I bet “concerned employees” were very quickly told not to be concerned if they didn’t want to lose their job to an H1-B from Hyderabad.
The real revelation here is that there are 18 other women, presumably not paid by Jeffrey Epstein, who look at sexual dynamo that is Grandpa Gates…
…and went “Oh yeah, I want to great freaky with that!”
Eau De Billionaire must be a helluva drug…
And to help get that image out of your head, here’s late, great funk legend James Brown performing “Sex Machine” from 1971.
(Hat tip: Director Blue.)
*I originally had “as Windows is full of security holes,” but parallelism demands that single word adjective demands a single word adjective as its simile.
**If this actually happened in 2010, he was only a schlubby quinquagenarian at the time.